Rectify

Does my intent to rectify other’s impressions of you stem from a desire to have them appreciate your flawed beauty, or does it stem from a need to justify why I chose you as my partner?

It’s happened twice. Your name crept into the conversation and with it came the unexpected blow of poorly hidden disdain written across their brows. Their snickers and whispered malice. The roll of their eyes and easy dismissal. They thrive on that. They thrive off of you.

But why?

They’ve known you longer than I have; and yet, what they know about you is wrong. They doubt your capabilities and are skeptical of your trustworthiness. They interpret your silliness as poorly hidden ignorance. They say you’re vapid and shallow. Forgettable.

But you’re not forgettable. You left your mark on me the very first time I laid eyes on you in the dimly lit room that was heavy from the weight of the velvet curtains and paneled walls. Although I lost your name in the sea of introductions, your stern stance stood in stark contrast with the rest. I was disappointed by the possibility that to you I was nothing more than another handshake in the office milieu. Perhaps that was true. Until I challenged you. You and your bored confidence. That was the first time I made you smile.

Initially we made very slow progress until you took matters into your hands and decided that we should be more than colleagues. You viewed it as an organic progression; I viewed it as a potential mistake. But I trusted you because I could not think of a reason to do otherwise. You were right. That was the first time you made me smile.

Although you’ve confirmed what I long suspected – that you are more than what they say you are – I have yet to understand why you don’t care to challenge their perceptions of you. I want to gush about your warmth and humor; you want them to believe that there is no more depth to you than an empty pool. I want them to hear your thoughts; you rather they hear your silence. I know you love your work, and you know that I love you. But they will never know this because you’ve made it so.

At times I’ve feared that their misconceptions about you would soon turn into misconceptions about me. It pains me to know the depth of my selfishness, but I can’t deny my fears. Thankfully, I know this fear can be conquered. It will take more than furrowed brows and whispered malice to make me forget that you have shown me the true you: silly comments and nerdy obsessions all wrapped into one caring, loving man who treasures my silly comments and nerdy obsessions just as much as he treasures his own.

I don’t know that I will ever understand why you’re not bothered by their faulty impressions of you. I only know that I will try to understand my need to rectify their impression of you.

———
“Rectify” by Azul Serena

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